This is a three-part short story of 6 Stormtroopers going about their mundane life inside the Death Star.
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Paul: (Hey, hey Bob. Why are we all lined up here again?)
Bob: (Shh! Lord Vader has something to discuss with an Imperial Officer.)
Paul: (Oh, ok. Cool…)
Bob: (Yes, what is it, Paul!?)
Paul: (Lord Vader wants to speak to an Imperial Officer right?)
Bob: (Yes, he has a word to an Imperial Officer and he wants us lined up here for that!)
Paul: (…Can’t Lord Vader speak to the Officer alone? Like do we need to be here?)
Bob: (Yes, Paul! It is absolutely necessary for us to line up like an manikin.)
Paul: (But why Bob? Not like… He talks to any of us directly. Have you ever seen Lord Vader talking to any of us when we are lined up like this? What’s the point of all this?)
Kyle: (Exactly! We are nothing but a background fillers to add depth to the camera lens to make it look more badass looking for Lord Vader but we are actually nothing but wasted labor!)
Bob: (Stop complaining! We are Vader’s Fist! It is only natural for us to show ourselves in the presence of our lord!)
Kyle: (What do you mean “complaining”? I am talking about cost-effectiveness! Don’t you think it is more beneficial for the Empire for us to complete the Death Star station? No wonder why Tiaan says we need more men. If we can stop wasting labor and focus on building this, it would have been done long before the schedule!)
Bob: (I am sure we have enough human resources to do other jobs that need to be done, Kyle.)
Kyle: (That isn’t the point is it? Like if Lord Vader wants some dolls to be lined up, we can have a holographic projector for that. We use that for communication all the time!)
Paul: (By the way what are those horizontal lines we always get in holographic image display during communication? It’s noisy and irritating.)
Kyle: (Those are called interlace that was only used during the VHS era. It is completely not a thing after the digital era and we surely shouldn’t be getting those stupid lines in any of our holographic communication. If there is any sort of glitches, we should be getting pixelation instead.)
Bob: (Can you two please behave and wait for our lord’s arrival please?)
Kyle: (Fine. But this discussion will continue…)
Steve: (Bob, Bob. Where would I go for copyright claim?)
Bob: (What do you mean Steve? For what?)
Steve: (Well you know that horror movie you showed me last week. The serial killer guy is wearing a white mask that looks like our Scout Trooper’s faceplate. The director definitely took the design from us!)
Bob: (The franchise is bought by Disney who’s notorious with copyrights. If that’s the case, they will chase after Paramount and squeeze them until they scream out every penny).
Bob: (Everyone shush! He’s here!)
Paul: (He’s so awesome! Everywhere he goes! Those theme music keep following him! Do you think that box on his belly has speakers installed?)
Bob: (No Paul, that’s his life support system.)
Paul: (Bummer. I wonder with all that technology, couldn’t they install a silent breathing option? Think about everyone listening to your every breath is a nightmare!)
Steve: (Well Lord Vader appeared right at the end of the Galactic War which was like 19 years ago. I am sure he can upgrade his suit with something new. A new look be nice sometimes.)
Bob: (He doesn’t want to upgrade since, during the upgrade, he will be vulnerable)
Steve: (To what!? Just replacing the robotic parts. If he’s so worried, he can upgrade not the entire body but by parts so that he can stay conscious at all times.)
Kyle: (Why are you two talking about upgrading his mechanical parts when we have a cloning technology? We can just clone body parts starting his lungs! Cloning body part was a 21st-century technology!)
Paul: (So… Yea, warning those officers in front of us. Is this some sort of scare tactics? Like “Look at my bad boys behind me. They’ll crush your ass if you don’t obey” thingy?)
Bob: (No, Paul. He regularly crush officer’s throat with or without us around. He probably wants us to know that he won’t mind killing a higher officer so we lower trooper should behave.)
Kyle: (But wouldn’t that be a major cost waste? Training a Stormtrooper isn’t cheap but training high ranked officers are expensive! Not only that but it takes a lot of time. I think it is much more effective if you just correct their mistakes instead of killing them every time. They have families too you know?)
Bob: (Well honestly, I only respect experience over rank. None of those officers have real war experience so I don’t care how many of them get executed. By the way can we please stop talking? I don’t want to be penalized for a chit chat.)
Kyle: (Bob, our suit and helmets are completely vacuumed sealed. Our conversation will never leak unless we turn on the speaker. That’s why we all sound like police radio. So have the speakers off and we can talk to each other using Wifi or watch anime or whatever. How do you think we could stand so still all this time without killing some time? We get these unnecessary lines up every other day.)
Steve: (Hey, it looks like the lecture is done! I can go back to build my Enterprise-E model kit!)
Paul: (Actually, what was the warning about?)
Kyle: (How in the hell would I know? He’s talking to the officer’s face. Not at us. We can’t hear shit in this helmet.)
Paul: (Oh, well. Another extra for the background I suppose. See you again Steve.)
Steve: (Yea, talk to you all later!)
Darth Vader: What? Disney wants two pilot TIE Fighter? Why? Our current TIE can be operated by one pilot and can fire cannon with no issues. Why do they want two pilots to do the same thing?
Tony: I heard from the Mouse that… He wants two guys dicking out in it?
Darth Vader: The sequels suppose to be over 30 years after ROTJ and why is there no technology advancement on the ships? TIE Fighters are identical in appearance just that it’s inferior since it needs two pilots instead of one. X-Wings are X-Wings. And what’s with those snail slow bombers? It’s only 19 years between the Prequels and the Originals and there was a drastic change in the ship designs! Tell Iger and Kennedy to stop being lazy and stop screwing with the fans.
Tony: Lord Vader, I hear a rumor that Disney is seriously considering to make the sequel non-canon due to the lack of popularity and the decline of the merchandise sales. And since our Lord and savior George is now a proper advisor for Dave and Jon, I am sure not only the characters and stories but the world building will be properly be done.
Darth Vader: Good. An alternate universe timeline would solve all the unnecessary problems. If the EU is a non-canon, Disney Sequel can be a non-canon. If they are triggered for the non-canon insult, well they shot at the true fans first for calling EU a non-canon. Now we can just call the EU and the Disney sequel alternate universe and not insult each other. New Disney era fans and the prequel and the original fans can be all united if Iger and Kathleen stop jabbing at true fans like immature children. They are what made this franchise worth buying in the first place.
Tony: Yes, my lord!
Darth Vader: And inform Disney to get rid of the lazy Jakku design from the Galaxy’s Edge and install environments from the original trilogy. The true fans pay for what they want, unlike Kennedy supporters. Fans want to see me, you guys, Yoda, Luke, and Obi-Wan.
Tony: I want to see Jango, my lord!
Darth Vader: Yes, and sprinkle some prequels in there too.
Bob: Hurry Paul! Intruder alert!
Paul: Is it another rebels!?
Bob: No, it seems like a new enemy!
Kyle: Blaster on stun Bob!?
Bob: Yes, I am sure Lord Vader would like to integrate them lat…
Paul: What the hell is that!?
Kyle: I have a bad feeling abou… AAAARRGGH!!
Paul: Man! That was chaos! Why do armors from other franchises actually act as an armor?
Sam: What do you mean Paul?
Paul: I mean, did you see the Youtube video where a guy in the Stormtrooper suit fell off a long stair? I never saw anyone with other military armor falling down the stairs just because the suit sucked and hard to maneuver!
Sam: Well, I prefer the old Clone Trooper armor. It was much more comfortable and this Stormtrooper helmet makes it so hard to aim! Like how can you see in this thing?
Bob: Wait, Sam! Another intruder alert!
Bob: Ok! Which rebel faction is it this time!?
Paul: Bob, I got a bad feeling about thi-…
Sam: You rebel scum!!
Ricky: Can we please not do any space franchise mash up!?
Paul: Why? I do hope that one day, one of our ships enters the Star Trek or MCU galaxy and has some kick-ass story with Kirk or the Guardians of the Galaxy.
Ricky: Star Trek, maybe! But sadly Captain America’s “Must watch list” and Tom Hollin Spider-Man movie reference has confirmed our franchise as pop culture. What a waste!
Paul: Nooooo! They got Kyle again!
Carries on to Episode II coming next week.
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